HI, BILLY MAYS HERE IN THE MIGHTY CASKET.
IT'S THE ONLY COFFIN YOU'D EVER NEED TO BE COMMITTED TO THE GRAVE IN STYLE!
THE MIGHTY CASKET IS SOLID OAK CONSTRUCTION, GUARANTEED TO LAST AN AFTER-LIFETIME!
TOTALLY SOUNDPROOF, WITH LUXURIOUS SATIN EMBROIDERED LINING FOR COMFORT AND PERFECT INSULATION.
ONE SIZE IS GUARANTEED TO ACCOMMODATE A WIDE RANGE OF HUMAN DIMENSION.
THICK OR THIN, SHORT OR TALL, MIGHTY CASKET CAN HOLD THEM ALL!
LOOK HOW TERRIFIC IT LOOKS HOLDING AMERICA'S FAVORITE SALESMAN BILLY MAYS --
AND IT COMES COMPLETE WITH A FIVE-HUNDRED-YEAR WARRANTY!
IF YOU EVER HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MIGHTY CASKET, WE'LL TAKE IT BACK FOR A FULL REFUND
(JUST PAY GRAVE-DIGGING AND RE-BURIAL!)

BUT WAIT! CALL NOW AND WE'LL SEND YOU THIS FREE FAMILY BIBLE!
A STUNNING LEATHER-BOUND KING JAMES EDITION WITH A FAMILY TREE IN FRONT FOR YOUR RELATIVES TO REMEMBER YOU BY.
A FIFTY-DOLLAR VALUE -- YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE!
(JUST PAY SHIPPING AND PROCESSING!)

IT'S YOUR CANOE DOWN THE RIVER STYX -- IT'S YOUR STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN -- IT'S YOUR VALET TO VALHALLA!
IT'S THE MIGHTY CASKET AND IT'S MR. MAYS' RIDE TO THE NEXT MILLENIUM. BILLY MAYS, SIGNING OFF.

(All seriousness, I'm amazed how crushed I am. He was the best friend to insomniacs everywhere!)